So today, I created this blog, made several post. I wrote about something very personal I’ve never talked about and posted some poetry I spilled some emotions in a while ago but somehow after that I felt sad and irritated. I recently read (listened) to a book about mental demons that we need to start paying attention to so we can hunt and get rid of them. So I thought to myself what is the issue here? What is the mental script that’s attacking me saying?

I constantly use the word feedback for people to help me refine what I need to work on professionally and personally. I’ve always viewed this as a positive thing to do but I realized today I use it as a crutch as well emotionally. When I didn’t have someone to give me feedback on what I had done, I spiraled emotionally. Why am I seeking approval for something I’m doing for me? For something that’s a personal goal? Where did this shitty behavior come from?

I spent a lot of time alone growing up and was happy with that until I went out in the world to events and noticed I wasn’t on the same level socially as everyone else that had already learned all the social cues and conforming behavior to fit in. This prompted me to seek out what people considered norms, greats and what was accepting to them. When I get “feedback” that confirms I’ve done something that they find attracting I felt like a genius for figuring out their formula. It was a game I would play when I went in social gatherings knowing what they needed for social acceptance was trivial and in my mind elementary but hey I needed to navigate through life with people. I couldn’t very well be successful in my cocoon of solitude. This was fun when I was younger but I always felt that it didn’t change how I felt about myself until I caught myself today putting my self down mentally for not getting confirmation I was making good moves.

Ha! Fucking ridiculous that I let it get this far but even more genius for the raised awareness no matter how long it took, it’s still early for everything I will tackle without this this self sabotage. So if you’re reading this, I’m proud that after years of saying I would, having procrastination and fear I am happy and excited that I’m giving the world what I wanted to. No approval or feedback needed!!